Mother-in-Law From Hell

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A/N: This is a semi-generic Mary Sue parody. But it has Transformers in it, and I do make mention of some Sue traits that are unique to Transformers. This is a follow on to my other Mary Sue parodies, "Warrior Angels" and "A User in Mainframe, Again?!", so it would help if you had read them first.

Also, yes, the end of the story is the end of the story. I just hate the "Or is it?!" convention.

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Cassandra Stormlord checked herself over in her compact mirror. She supposed she looked good, with her sleek ebony tresses pulled back in a loose ponytail and her makeup done just so to compliment her dark chocolate eyes. Her skin was flawless, though perhaps the slight tinge of green would put off a normal person. She rather liked the energy-boo from the chlorophyll, though, and besides it ran in her family.

She looked good, yes, but her mother would probably find something wrong with her. Maybe it was her clothes. She hadn't been able to find anything spectacularly stunning among her vast collection of flight suits, jeans, and weird t-shirts. This wasn't supposed to be a formal dinner, of course, but, well, she would be introducing her boyfriend to the family for the first time....

Speaking of whom, he seemed to be circling. "Blitzwing, honey, I gave you the GPS coordinates."

The purple jet she rode in grunted at her. "We could just go on a quick energy raid instead."

Cassandra squared her shoulders. "No. Susannah managed to do this, and she was bringing Astrotrain home to meet Mom. We can handle this. It's just dinner. There's nothing wrong with what we do for a living. We both look fine. It's just dinner-"

"An energy raid would be easier on you."

"I can do this!"

Blitzwing remained silent and began to descend. He landed in a field outside of a roomy, futuristic-looking house. A covered porch encircled it, with rocking chairs moving slightly in the wind. In the far distance, purple mountains faded to indigo as day faded into night.

It almost took her breath away to see her old home again. This was where she grew up. There was the place where her father had taught her and her twin how to fight. There was the old pond where the whole family would go and swim when the summer got too hot. There was the curious swing set that Mom had built for Arabella when 'Bella wanted to be more normal.

Mom had always had a way of making a point that didn't quite seem insulting.

Blitzwing released his cockpit, and Cassandra climbed out so he could transform to robot-mode. He was still a three-story tall robot, of course, but her mother would take care of that. Mom could always take care of anything.

The door opened, and golden light spilled into the deepening gloom. A tall woman with a mass of spiky black hair stepped onto the porch. Her chasm-dark eyes seemed to shine with an inner fire that was terrible to behold. Age had lined her face, but the beauty of her youth was still readily apparent. Clothes that should have been frumpy looked elegant on her and hinted at the muscles that lurked beneath her flesh.

Rebecca Stormlord, beloved of the god O-thor, looked over her daughter appraisingly. "You're late."

"We were caught up." Cassandra gulped, then hastily gestured at the seated Blitzwing. "Mom, this is Blitzwing. Blitzwing, this is my mother."

Blitzwing glared, probably on the general principles that her mother was a xeno-organic like her. Her mother ignored it and stepped out into the yard to circle around the robot.

"Hmph. Military equipment, Cassandra? Couldn't you have done better than that?"

Blitzwing growled and raised his hand as if to strike Rebecca. Before he could, Cassandra felt something 'pop' inside of her.

"Don't talk like he's just a machine, Mother! He has a soul! And besides, I didn't hear you sneering at Susannah for falling in love with Astrotrain!" Aghast at her outburst, her hands flew upward to cover her mouth. How could she say something like that to her mother? Oh, she'd screwed up everything already!

"Your twin," her mother pointed out mildly, "Has been converted into a transformer herself. You still remain a hybrid Nameckian."

She scowled and crossed her arms. "I don't care what Susannah has done to herself. I like being organic, and I'm going to remain that way. Besides, I don't leave ex-boyfriends around to turn psycho-killer on me."

Her mother smirked. "That you don't. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. You've got enough time to wash up and get your boyfriend inside the house." With that, she stalked away, her lashing tail the only signal of her emotions.

Cassandra sighed. "That could have gone better."

"Can I just kill her?"

"Doubtful, and Dad would be very unhappy if you managed to."


Cassandra looked Blitzwing over uncertainly. She had been expecting her mother to do the magic necessary to re-size the transformer in order to fit into their house, but from what Rebecca had said that would be up to her. Something on that scale was well beyond what she usually did; giving herself a bit of a luck boost in a fight didn't take much effort. This would involve a hell of a lot of size and mass shifting, and she had absolutely no idea where to begin.

Well, Mom always said reality was mutable. She bit her lip and stared up at Blitzwing.

"... What?" He looked down at her. "You want to leave?"

"No! Of course not. I can handle this!" She stomped her foot on the grass. She could handle this!

A lightning bolt flashed across the back of her mind. For his part, Blitzwing looked terribly startled to suddenly be the size of a human. He was still taller than her, of course.

"Oh, very good!" A cheerful, bubbly voice said. Maria rounded the corner of the house, the skirt of her ivory dress flaring a bit in the night breeze and a fishing pole swinging over one shoulder. "Mom's been worried that you would just ignore your magic."

Cassandra blinked at her younger sister, for once not even wondering what genetics had combined to give Maria such a lovely olive complexion. Had she slipped sideways into an alternate dimension? No, that couldn't be it. The Stormlord family residence was a dimensional nexus precisely because there was only one Rebecca Stormlord in the multiverse. "Mom's been worried?"

Maria bobbed her head. "Uh-huh. You and Susannah are such tomboys. You always have to do things the physical way. Now that Susie's a 'former, though, she's having to magic all the time."

"She is not," Cassandra said weakly.

"Is too. We're organics. We're not made to suddenly have computer brains and programming. She's mind-magicing herself so she stays sane. Mom's not too happy that she's using her magic that way, but it's better than nothing."


"You two going to come inside or not?" Maria breezed past them, her viridian hair floating gently around her head. She dashed up onto the porch, then turned to look back at them again. "Only Mom made that thing with one of those uber-salty squid-men, you know the ones where you have to leave them in fresh running water for days or they'll poison the eater and they're still almost too salty to eat anyways, for us, and she'll get real mad if it gets cold."

With that, she darted inside.

Cassandra stood utterly shellshocked in the night air, listening to the pandaemonic cachinnation of cicadas.

Blitzwing stepped up and wrapped his arms around her, and she gratefully leaned against his cool body. His chill metal seemed to suck the fever-heat out of her that Maria's words had put in. "We could leave," he said softly.

"No," she whispered. "No. I can do this. I've got to do this."

He tilted her face up to look at his and scraped his face-plate softly against her skin.

"That's not actually how kissing works, you know," she said with amusement.

"It's not like I have the equipment for your organic mating rituals," he grumbled.

Cassandra giggled and stroked one of his wings. "Not like you need it, big boy."

She took a deep breath then and took his hand. "Come on. Let's go have dinner."

"Can't I just stay out here? I'm not going to eat anything."

"The men in our family never do much besides liquids. Mom always provides something edible and enjoyable for everybody. Come on, you haven't even met my father yet." She tugged on his arm gently, carefuly not to jerk it out of its socket. Unlike Susannah, she was always careful of her strength.

Blitzwing growled a bit, but followed her up the steps and in the door. "I'm going to want to kill him, too, aren't I?"

"For goodness sake's, he's a plant, Blitzy."

"... All right, your family is just strange."

The End

Or Is It?!