Disclaimer: I didn't write "User Meets Sprites," Jo Ann Montgomery did. And by all that's holy, she's welcome to it! Never, ever decide to MST a fic when you're suffering under the effects of sleep deprivation. Well, onto the story!
* * *
A young, blue woman with bright red hair sat on a couch, reading. Observant people might notice that the title of her book was 'Torture for Fun and Profit.'
A young, teal man with dark, dark red hair walked into the room carrying a DVD case. "Hey, Chaos, that Rebecca person sent us the fic she wanted us to MST."
"That's nice, Jade."
Jade rolled his eyes and popped the DVD into its player. He grabbed a seat on the couch just as the fic was about to start.
Chaos carefully set her book aside and conjured a bowl of popcorn.
* * *
User Meets Sprites
is not a good sign.
Chaos: Lookit the colors!
By: Jo Ann Montgomery
Mary Sue of Reboot fanfiction!
Note: This is an older fanfic,
Chaos: (raises eyebrow) Older fanfic?
written back before I got on the Internet. There have been several requests for my early work, and as this story is the one where I first go to Mainfame and meet Bob and the other Mainfamers,
Chaos: Well, that's
typical of Reboot SI's...
Jade: It is, isn't it? Why can't the Users stay outside of the Reboot world?
I thought I'd type it up again, and send it out.
Chaos: (blinks) She didn't have it in a file on her computer?
Jo Ann sat at her computer, writing stories in her Creative Writer program. She typed, corrected, and typed again, the words flowing into a steady rhythm, and becoming a story from her mind. Jo Ann consulted the spelling checker regularly, and saved often. The Creative Writer was one of her favorite programs.
Jade: Thrill as we watch
Chaos: Maybe it's erotica. That'd be cool!
Jade: (puts his head in his hands)
Little did she know who --and what-- was watching her from inside the computer, itself.
Chaos: "No one could have dreamed that we were being scrutinized, as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water."
* * *
Chaos: "And slowly and surely, they drew their plans against us."
"Is the User doing it again?" Enzo asked. The small, green sprite looked up into the sky.
Chaos: (Enzo) Is she
writing another fic where Megabyte has sex with one of the male
Jade: And you wonder why I limit your Internet access...
"It looks like it," Bob replied. The blue-skinned Guardian watched the sky with his friends.
"I like it when the User does this!" a little girl binome said, happily. "No one gets hurt!"
Jade: I disagree. The
readers get hurt.
Chaos: Come on, you've haven't even read the fic yet!
Jade: People don't MST good fics.
Chaos: Oh? Clearsky has.
Jade: We don't MST good fics.
Bob looked down and smiled at the girl. Then, he resumed watching the sky.
"Am I in it yet?" Matrix asked. The green man was the first, original Enzo, before Mainframe crashed and was restored.
Jade: Amazing! I never
would have realized that if no one had told me!
"You are now, Matrix!" laughed Dot, Matrix and Enzo's sister.
"So are you, Dot!" Matrix countered. Then, the Mainframers heard a pig squeal.
Chaos: It's bacon!
"What did the User just do?" the little girl asked.
"I think the User just saved the story," Dot answered.
Jade: And they know this
Chaos: Well, they've played in saved Games, right?
Jade: Yeah, but the time between the Games is so great that they either die or forget that they were in a Game remarkably similar to the one they're currently playing.
(Author's Note: The Creative Writing program has lots of funny noises when you use the options. The pig squeal is heard when you save something.)
Chaos: Then just use Wordpad! It doesn't make funky noises!
"What's this story about, anyway?" Enzo asked.
"You askin' me, sugah?" Mouse replied.
Chaos: Glowy hair! Ooh! (stares, enraptured)
"Who knows what the User's doin'," Wild Card said.
"I think I know. But I don't know how I know," Amazon said.
Chaos: Who are these
Jade: Useless entities. If we're lucky, they'll die in unspeakable agony.
Chaos: Ineffable agony, you mean?
Jade: .... No. No, I didn't.
"What is the story about, then" AndrAIa asked.
"Didn't you see the title? 'User Meets Sprites'. The User is writing about her meeting us!"
Chaos and Jade: (blinks)
Chaos: Dear, sweet User...
Jade: You're praying to Jo Ann, you know.
Chaos: Dear, sweet Thunder Child.
Jade: That got destroyed by the Martians, you know.
Chaos: But it got a spammed cool song.
"How do you know that the User is female? Bob asked, giving Amazon a puzzled look.
Chaos: Why is Bob
speaking in third person?
Jade: More importantly, why is he speaking in the past tense?
"I don't know exactly how I know, but the name in the story is a female name: Jo Ann. So, I'm guessing that the User is female."
Chaos: There's something subtly wrong with this line, but I can't figure out what it is.
"What were those funny little pictures?" AndrAIa asked.
"And where did they go?" Enzo added.
Chaos: I liked the
alliteration with 'AndrAIa asked', but 'Enzo added' needs work.
Jade: Please don't make up your own....
Chaos: Exclaimed would be nice, don't you think?
Jade: Read the fic.
(Me again: There is an option in Creative Writer where that matches words with pictures. I did that while writing this story, just for fun, then undid the action.)
Chaos: I wonder what picture got matched with the word Bob?
"Never mind that," Dot said. "Did you notice that everything we say is being typed up?"
"Do you mean we are really being written as part of someone's story?" Bob asked.
Chaos: Dear, sweet
Jade: Stop praying to that ship.
"That's exactly what I mean!" Dot answered.
Chaos: (Dot) DUH!
"She sure checks her spelling a lot, doesn't she?" Enzo said.
"A sure sign of someone who like things to look right," Phong replied, joining them.
Jade: Apparently, she
didn't do that in "Megabyte Returns."
Chaos: So what does happen in "Megabyte Returns"? Huh?
"I wish we could meet her," the little girl said.
"Don't worry, Tiffiny," said Amazon. "With the title she has on this story, we soon will."
Jade: (AndrAIa) And won't we be sorry?
* * *
It was very late at night. Jo Ann kept typing on her computer, but she was getting very sleepy. Her head nodded and her eyes closed. Jo Ann fell asleep at her computer.
Chaos: That creates the
most interesting impressions on your face.
Jade: So does my fist.
Chaos: Violent today, are we?
* * *
Jo Ann awoke with a start. She looked around, puzzled. No longer sitting at her computer, she was now sitting on the ground in an incredible city. A city that looked like it was straight out of a cartoon.
A computer-animated cartoon.
Jade and Chaos: (eyes
Jade: She just wakes up there? No traumatic experience? No buggy Games? Just... just this?
All around Jo Ann was a strange collection of people, each with skin tones straight out of a rainbow.
"Hello," a blue-skinned man said. He smiled as he held out a hand. Jo Ann took the hand and the blue man helped her up.
Jade: (Bob) How may I
worship the ground you walk upon?
Chaos: You've read Jo Ann fics before, haven't you?
Jade: What gave it away?
Chaos: The constant-
Jade: (interrupting) Read the fic.
"H...h...h...hi," Jo Ann stammered, nervously. She looked at the blue man closely. "Bob?!?"
"Yep!" Bob grinned. The others came closer to the startled User.
Chaos: Cool! They're
trying to give the poor creature a deep and abiding fear!
Chaos: (defensively) They are! That's how I act when I'm trying to put fear into small creatures!
"Am I really in Mainframe?" Jo Ann asked.
"You shore are, sugah!" a purple woman with neon-red hair smiled.
Chaos: You don't have to
write out every bit of Mouse's accent to get the point across.
Jade: A mandatory 'sugah' at the end of each sentence works just fine.
"Mouse?!?" The purple woman nodded.
"I take it you know everyone else?" Bob asked.
Jade: (Bob) You being omniscient and all?
"Y...y...y...yes." Now, Jo Ann was really nervous. "But, how...?"
"We do not know, my child," said Phong.
Chaos: Does he know
Chaos: Well, most of what he says is nonsense, pessimistic, or informing people that he doesn't know something. Oh, and he challenges people to a game of Pong. Hey, how come the loser doesn't get nullified?
Jade: Read the fic.
Chaos: (whiny) I don't want to.
"Who are the "Kentucky Wildcats'?" Tiffiny asked, looking at Jo Ann's T-shirt.
Jade: What the HFIL does
Chaos: It's just conversation. You know, making nice-nice with the god that's dropped into their world.
"The basketball team for the University of Kentucky," Amazon answered, before Jo Ann could say anything. Jo Ann eyed the red-armored woman closely.
Jade: (Jo Ann) How dare
this woman answer a question directed to me!
Chaos: What do you have against her?
"Amazon?!?" she gasped in surprise.
"You know we?" Amazon was just as surprised as Jo Ann.
Jade: It should have been 'us,' if that were the case.
"I should. When I began writing stories about Mainframe and you guys, I decided to get in on the stories --or, at least, pretended to.
Chaos: (Jo Ann) Now, however, my hubris has become so great that I've just decided to insert myself into the stories sans a nifty name.
To become part of the stories, and yet remain an observer, I created the character of Amazon. That's the name I use when I go into chat rooms. You are me!"
Jade: (Jo Ann) Don't you feel so incredibly special?
The Mainframers gasped in amazement and awe. Amazon was not a real User, just a character in Jo Ann's stories.
Chaos: Was it ever
thought that Amazon was a User?
Jade: Does it matter?
"Fake!" a binome cried, staring accusingly at Amazon.
Chaos: Fickle bunch.
"What do you mean, 'Fake'?" Jo Ann rose to the defense of her character. "She is a User: Me! She's how I dreamed what I'd be like if I ever visited Mainframe. Don't go around saying that she's a fake, when she's just as real as I am!"
Jade and Chaos: (blinks)
Chaos: Freaky. I wonder what she smokes...
Jade: Considering that Jo Ann Montgomery, the User who fell asleep into Mainframe, isn't real, either?
Chaos: Nah. I just want some of it.
The binome was taken aback by Jo Ann's anger. He had not meant to upset the User.
Jade: Chaos didn't mean
to upset Megabyte and Hexadecimal, either.
Chaos: I was just trying to help!
Jade: The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
Chaos: (glumly) So is the road to the User-world.
"What about me?" Wild Card asked. He was as blue-skinned as Bob, with gold hair and a shadow beard.
Jade: Why does he
suddenly decide that he might not be real?
Chaos: Wait a nano! This guy looks like Bad Bob with blonde hair!
"I created you, too, Wild Card," Jo Ann answered, her anger abating.
Jade: Why does she
suddenly decide to tell him that?
Chaos: Yeah, I bet it would be much easier to gain control and dominance over a system, if the inhabitants didn't know the full extant of your powers up until the time you used them.
"Why?" was all Wild Card could say.
"So that Amazon could have a love interest."
Jade: (raises eyebrow)
And Amazon has no problem with her love interest falling for the real
Chaos: Stop spoiling the story. If I wanted to know about that, I would have read other fics by Ms. Montgomery.
"A love interest?" Amazon asked. "Why create one?"
Chaos: (Amazon) Why not
just kill Dot and give me Bob?
Jade: (Dot, glaring) Bitch.
"The three best eligible guys were already taken, so I had to come up with something."
Jade: She respects that,
Chaos: Bitter much?
Bob, Matrix, and Ray Tracer looked at each other, slightly blushing. "So, I created a twin brother for Bob."
Chaos: Girl, stop telling
your secrets! You'll never take over now!
Jade: (darkly) Yes, she will.
Chaos: Stop spoiling the story!
"Why a twin for me?" Bob asked.
"I wanted a character that seemed like a combination of you and Matrix. I came up with Wild Card."
Chaos: (Bob) Why not just make him my kid?
"Was it your idea to make me a Guardian Academy drop-out?"
Jade: (Jo Ann) Yes, I
don't want you to be too impressed with yourself! That's only for
Chaos: Will you shut up about her? She seems pretty nice so far.
"You didn't drop-out. You...uh...flunked," Jo Ann looked up into the sky, avoiding Wild Card's eyes.
"I what!?!" Wild Card stared in anger at Jo Ann.
Chaos: (Wild Card) That's the same bloody thing!
"I figured that, if the Guardian Academy was like any other school, there would be sprites that would *ahem!* flunk."
"What does 'flunk' mean?" Tiffiny asked.
Jade: (clears throat)
Flunk: verb, intransitive. 1. To fail, as a student. 2. To back
Chaos: (Wild Card) Listen to the nice virus! They mean the same thing!
Jade: Nice virus?
"Do you want to answer her, or should I?" Jo Ann asked Amazon.
"I'll do it," Amazon sighed. To Tiffiny, she said, "'Flunk' means 'fail'. Jo Ann made Wild Card fail the Guardian Academy."
Chaos: He could have
dropped out, too!
Jade: Drop it. Please.
"You made me into a failure?!?" Wild Card raged.
Jade: My, he actually has
Chaos: (blinks) Eh?
"You call 5700 captures, no deletions, and no escapes, 'failure'?
Chaos: I call it wishful
Jade: I call it stupidity. Unless absolutely necessary, a dead bounty is worth more money in the long run that a live bounty. Less wear and tear on your ship.
I only made you fail Guardian training: You're a success as a bounty hunter!" Jo Ann countered.
Wild Card stood there with his mouth open, unable to speak. Amazon reached over and closed it for him.
Chaos: I like Amazon. She knows how to keep the story moving.
"Are you writing that delightful, little Halloween story?" Hexadecimal asked, sweetly.
Jade: Now why is
Hexadecimal here? Shouldn't she be painting or making biscuits or
trying to kill Chaos?
Chaos: You drop that.
"Yes. But I'm sorta stuck. I don't know what to write next in it."
"And me as Morticia Addams! How wonderfully sweet of you to give me someone I could relate to!"
Jade: (Hex) Watch me be as useless as possible.
"I'm glad you like it. Or would you rather have been Lily Munster? I could still change it, you know."
Chaos: I can change my
Jade: You write stories?
"Oh, no. Morticia Addams is fine!"
Chaos: Come on! Is there
a plot to this story?
"Who was Mark Anthony and Cleopatra?" Bob asked.
Jade: Chaos, let's not do grammar flames.
Chaos: Why shouldn't we?
Jade: It would make it more challenging if we didn't.
"They go way back --about two-thousand years ago. Cleopatra was the last queen of Egypt before it fell to the Romans. Mark Anthony was her fourth husband."
Chaos: (Police man) Move
along. Move along.
Jade: What? This isn't exciting enough for you?
"Why did you pick them for our costumes?" Bob asked.
Chaos: (yelling) Why does
Jade: They're making nice-nice with the god that dropped into their world.
Chaos: Will you stop stealing my lines?
"Because they are one of the world's most famous love pairs, because the only other pair of lovers I could think of was Romeo and Juliet --and they ended up killing themselves--, and because I like Cleopatra."
Chaos: I admit that she
has some of the coolest costumes, but does she really matter?
Jade: Who? Jo Ann or Cleopatra?
"Do you play computer games?" AndrAIa asked. All the Mainframers were interested in learning the answer.
Jade: (AndrAIa) Do you
play God with our lives and torture us with the threat of
Chaos: (Jo Ann, nonchalantly) Yes.
"Some. But I'm more into writing stories."
Jade: (Jo Ann) It's much
easier to play God with your lives that way. Plus, I can keep
bringing you back.
Chaos: (Matrix) I say we delete her now!
Jade: (Jo Ann) You will forget we ever had this conversation. (waves hand)
Chaos: (Wild Card) You made me a failure?!
"Oh," AndrAIa replied. The Mainframers breathed a sigh of relief at Jo Ann's answer.
"Bob, is it true about the Guardians and Daemon?" Jo Ann asked, concern in her voice.
Jade: (Jo Ann) And if so, what's the fastest way back to the Userworld?
"I'm afraid so," Bob replied, sadly.
"But Jo Ann could save them," Tiffiny said. "She could write in her stories that the Guardians were cured."
Chaos: I want to smack
Jade: Tiffiny. Her name is Tiffiny.
Chaos: Why's it spelled funky?
Jade: Read the story. Just. Read. The. Story. Oh, User, why are you related to me?
"Could you?" Bob asked, hopefully. All eyes were on the visiting User.
Jade: (Bob) Could you
make us completely useless to the plot?
Chaos: (Mouse) It's easiah to escape that way, sugah.
"Before I answer that, I need to ask you something: Are you aware that you --with the exception of Wild Card and Amazon-- are characters in a TV show?"
Jade: (Phong) Yes. We are
also aware that various Users lust after the more attractive cast
Chaos: (AndrAIa) Especially Matrix.
Jade: (Matrix) AndrAIa!
"Yes. That is something that we have known since Mainframe was created," Phong said.
"But what has that got ta do with helpin' the Guardians?" Mouse asked.
Chaos: No clue.
Jade: That's a Userism.
Chaos: It's an appropriate-ism.
"Because, only the writers of the show can make curing the Guardians of Daemon 'official'. I could write in my stories that they were cured --heck, in one of my crossovers, I have--, but it wouldn't be valid. Only the writers of the show could do that, and have it really happen."
Jade: (amazed) She's actually limiting herself?!
"Jo Ann," Amazon began, "Wild Card and I -- we are not 'official', are we?"
Jade: I see where this is
going! She's going to defeat Daemon anyway!
"Yet, we exist here, in this Mainframe," Amazon went on.
"What Amazon is tryin' to say is, this is not the 'official' Mainframe. It's your Mainframe, the Mainframe of your stories," Wild Card added.
Jade: See! SEE! She's
going to defeat Daemon!
Chaos: Jade, it took three viruses, one of whom was insane, and a nucleur explosion at point-blank range to defeat Daemon. One little User isn't going to do that much damage.
Jade: Is it even possible to have nucleur explosions at point-blank range?
Chaos: We'll discuss it later.
"That means you can save the Guardians, if only in your stories," Bob said.
"I could, couldn't I. But how?" Bob and the others just shrugged.
Jade: (Bob) How should we
Chaos: (Matrix) We just live here.
"It's up to you," Matrix said.
"Why don't you do it now?" Tiffiny asked.
Chaos: (Tiffany) You are the User. You can make a rock so big that you can't move it! Or can you?
"Yeah!" agreed Enzo. "Why don't you save the Guardians yourself!" The Mainframers began murmuring excitedly, begging Jo Ann to save the Guardians from Daemon.
Jade and Chaos:
(Mainframers) Please, make us completely useless flesh puppets.
Chaos: (Random) But good-looking flesh puppets!
"Okay. But first, I need to know what I can do in Mainframe."
Jade: Anything. Anything
Chaos: Can she glomp Megabyte?
Jade: I know your life is part anime these seconds, but don't use fandom terms.
Chaos: Okay... Can she tackle-hug Megabyte?
Jo Ann thought for a moment, then moved to a clear space. Concentrating for a moment, she suddenly snapped her fingers.
Jade: And, here's an
example of a cliche scene.
Chaos: It's cliche to snap one's fingers to cause weird things to happen?
Jade: Will you stop questioning me?
To the amazement of the Mainframers, a beautiful white horse appeared before them. But it was no ordinary horse. This horse had large, white eagle-like wings. It reared and bucked, obviously frightened of its strange surroundings.
Jade: I reared back, obviously frightened by this strange story.
"Easy, Pegasus; no one's going to hurt you," Jo Ann spoke softly to the magnificent animal. Concentrating on her closed hand, Jo Ann held it out to Pegasus. Slowly, she opened her hand, revealing three sugar cubes. Pegasus nibbled at them, nuzzling her hand as he did so.
Chaos: This is...
"Impressive," said a voice that was not one of the Mainframers. "But can you conjure something to save Mainframe from us?"
Jade: (Jo Ann) Certainly.
(makes a throwing motion) Chaos, I choose you!
Chaos: I'll start smiting you if you don't watch it.
Jade: (Jo Ann, continuing) Use your Yard-Stick Smite attack!
Chaos: (grins evilly) Okay. (smites Jade with a yard-stick)
"Turbo!" Bob cried.
Chaos: (singing) I'm your
turbo lover. Tell me there's no other...
Jade: Bad mental image.
Chaos: You shouldn't be thinking anyway. You should be lying on the ground in pain.
"And the other Guardians!" Matrix added. He had his gun in his hand in an instant. Wild Card, too, had his gun out. AndrAIa joined them, her trident in her hand. Mouse, her swords out and ready, moved to join them, with Amazon a step behind her.
Chaos: In the name of Mainframe, we will punish you!
The Guardians that they were looking at looked like zombies out of a 1950's horror movie. Their colors had faded to black, white, and gray. Only their eyes showed another color, glowing bright red. Their uniforms were torn and ragged, hanging off their bodies like shrouds.
Chaos: I've seen infected
Guardians and they look nothing like that.
Jade: Actually these seconds, most of them probably do.
Chaos: Wouldn't that point-blank nucleur explosion get rid of the bodies?
Jade: (tiredly) Yes, yes, it would.
"Wow! Daemon did a real number of them, didn't she?" Jo Ann exclaimed.
Jade: (Bob) Not now!
Chaos: (Wild Card) Kill them! Quickly! Before they reproduce!
"Uh...Jo Ann: That cure would really come in handy right about now," Wild Card said, looking over to the User.
Chaos: (Wild Card) Killthemkillthemkillthemkillthem!
"There is nothing your User can do to save you!" The being that was Turbo/Daemon snarled.
Jade: (Jo Ann) Wanna bet?
"Don't count me out yet, Daemon!" Jo Ann waved her hands, weaving an energy cage around the infected Guardians.
Chaos: Spam! This is
nothing like the Thunder Child's fight with the Martians!
Jade: Your point being?
Chaos: I can't sing "Thunder Child" and have it make sense!
"That should hold them," she said, "Now for the tough part; curing them."
"You can not cure the Guardians!" Daemon's voice came from out of Turbo. Just three more, and the Guardians will all be mine!" Turbo/Daemon reached out a hand, as it to touch Bob, Matrix, and Wild Card.
Chaos: Wait a nano... I
thought Wild Card failed the Guardian Academy?
Jade: Just smile and nod.
"Don't bet on it, Daemon!" Jo Ann answered. "All I really need to do is concoct an incantation to drive you out of the Guardians. And have I got a real doozy!" She folded her hands and, with her eyes closed, concentrated. Then, she began to recite a spell.
Chaos: (singing) Moving
swifly through the waters,
Cannons blazing as she came.
Brought a mighty metal warlord
Crashing down in sheets of flame.
Sensing victory was nearing,
Thinking Fortune must have smiled,
People started cheering:
"Come on, Thunder Child!"
"Powers of good, hear me; come to my call, help me drive out the evil that inhabits these defenders of right!"
Jade: (Powers of Good)
Chaos: I liked my incantation better. (pouts)
As Jo Ann called upon the powerful elements of good, colored lights swarmed to her hands, forming a ball of magic dust. As the magic was gathered, Jo Ann separated her hands to contain the glittering particles.
Chaos: (shocked) It's like the scene when Sailor Moon blasted Beryl with the Imperium Silver Crystal! No fair!
"From the sun, I call the golden light of truth; from the stars, with white light of justice. From the planets, the rainbow lights of strength and hope; from the deepest sea, the blue light of healing. From the lushest rainforest, the green light of knowledge; from the highest mountain, the ice-blue light of purity. From the moon, the silver light of bravery; from the animals of the world, the bronze light of wisdom. And from the people of Mainframe, the soft light of love, for love is more powerful than evil.
Jade: "When your powers combine, I am Captain Planet!"
Mix well, these elements of good and right, to form the cure to save the Guardians from Daemon's blight!"
Jade: (Powers of Good) Elements of good and right, don't listen to her!
The ball of magic dust swirled in her hands, the colored lights moving in patterns like the colors of a soap bubble. Slowly, Jo Ann approached the cage that held the Guardians.
Chaos: Stupidity knows no
Jade: (darkly) Oh, she'll survive.
Pausing within touching distance of Turbo, Jo Ann blew the ball of magic dust into the cage . Not one Guardian escaped the cloud of magic. Then the User stepped back to wait out Daemon as the lights drove her out of the Guardians.
Jade: So, Daemon is
photophobic? Who would have thought that?
First, the Guardians regained their old colors. Then, their torn uniforms repaired themselves, as if being sewn by invisible tailors. Lastly, the red glow faded from their eyes, replaced by their true eye colors. Overhead, a dark cloud formed, shaping itself into a hideous, deformed monster.
Chaos: Daemon is a yellow
chick who gets cranky at viruses that go through her armory,
taking the more powerful bombs. She is not a hideous, deformed
monster. Megabyte, on the other hand...
Jade: Insult him again, and I claw you.
"You have cost me the Guardians, User!" Daemon hissed. "But I can still infect you!" The super-virus swooped down toward Jo Ann.
Jade: Don't do this, Daemon. You'll just end up splattered onto the side walk.
"Dream on, Bozo Bit!"
Jade: Bozo Bit?
Jo Ann raised her left hand, which began to glow with a blue-white light. She slashed down, forming a light bow. Pulling on the bowstring, Jo Ann aimed a silver arrow at Daemon.
Jade: A lightsword is not
only better, but it looks cooler too.
Chaos: And it can be used to defeat evil demons when you time travel.
"Arrow of Artemis, goddess of the hunt, fly swift and true!" she cried, releasing the arrow. The silver shaft, tipped with a head of clearest crystal, flew straight and true.
Chaos: My that's an...
Jade: Its dedicated to a Greek goddess who hasn't been worshipped in ages. What do you expect?
In nanoseconds, the arrow had found its mark, striking Daemon in the heart of the evil cloud.
Chaos: I fear for
Jade: She's toast. She's been toast since this story started.
Daemon howled in pain as the shaft did its work. The magic in the arrow spread all over the virus, the good destroying the evil. Within microseconds, it was over. Daemon was gone for good, destroyed by the good of the universe.
Chaos: (singing softly)
Lashing ropes and smashing timbers,
Flashing heat rays pierced the deck.
Dashing hopes for our deliverance
As we watched the sinking wreck.
With the smoke of battle clearing
Over graves and waves defiled,
Farewell, Thunder Child!
Only one thing remained to be done.
Chaos: (through gritted
teeth) Yes, one thing still had to be done. I have to kill Jo
Jade: (edging away from Chaos) Calm down...
Snapping her fingers, Jo Ann made the cage holding the Guardians disappear. Guardians and Mainframers mingled joyfully, celebrating the victory over the super-virus. Jo Ann leaned wearily in Bob and Matrix's arms.
Chaos: Two at once? That
might be entertaining...
Jade: Two things: 1) Get your mind out of the gutter, and 2) didn't she create Wild Card because the three most eligible guys were already taken?
Chaos: Your Earth-logic has no place here.
Turbo made his way to where Jo Ann was. The large sprite, his mere presence commanding attention, drew Guardians and Mainframers alike to the heroine of the millisecond, who rested in the arms of two strong Guardians.
Jade: Unfortunately, he was only there to arrest them for public indecency.
"Ma'am, what ya'll have done this second has no equal in the history of all tha systems. There is not enough gratitude in all tha systems of tha world ta thank ya for what ya have done for us." Turbo gallantly took her hand and, bending forward while raising the hand, kissed it.
Chaos: (howling) NO!
Jade: She already has Matrix and Bob, she doesn't need Turbo too!
"I'm happy I could help," Jo Ann said wearily. "But you do realize that you are only cured in my stories, don't you? In the 'official" stories that appear on TV, you and the Guardians are still infected by Daemon."
Chaos: And they don't look like zombies in the 'official' stories! I think it balances out nicely!
"Ah know. But here, in tha Mainframe of yore makin', Daemon is defeated an' tha Guardians are free of her, at last. That is reason enough to celebrate."
Chaos: (singing softly) Farewell, Thunder Child.
"Right. But first, I need a rest! Conjuring magical cures for computer viruses is exhausting work!"
Jade: (Turbo) Then, please feel free to go home and never return to blight our fair world.
Guardians and Mainframers laughed, agreeing that their User needed a rest before the big celebration that night.
Chaos: "The Earth belonged to the Martians."
* * *
The park was decorated for the victory party. All of the people of Mainframe was there, as well as the Guardians. Even Matrix and Wild Card were dressed up for the occasion, although they felt conspicuous and out of place.
Jade: I've seen Matrix in
formal wear. He wears it just like he wears any other otufit.
Chaos: Matrix's definition of formal wear involves leather pants.
Dot wore the red gown she wore for Matrix's birthday so very long ago. Bob wore his chrome armor, sprinkled with gold glitter. All awaited for the arrival of the guest of honor.
Jade: (Dot) Where is the
Chaos: You call that insulting?
Jade: Unlike you, I don't need to insult someone's race and intelligence.
Chaos: (cheerfully) Don't forget their religion!
Finally, Jo Ann arrived. The guests stared in awe as she came to stand by Turbo. The Prime Guardian took her hand and led her into full view of the Guardians and the Mainframers.
Jade: (Turbo) Now remember, people, we want her last night to be a pleasant one.
Jo Ann was dressed in a long, Greek chiton, white, shot through with gold threads that caused the dress to shimmer in the light of the street lamps. A Guardian icon held the dress in place on her right shoulder. Greek sandals, tall and gold, were on her feet. In her short hair, resting on her head, was golden, Greek crown. A gold necklace, gold earrings, bracelets, armbands, and rings adorned her body, glittering in the light. A wide, gold belt held the chiton close to her body. She wore little make-up: Gold eye shadow on her eyelids, a little blush on her cheeks, and glittering red lipstick.
Chaos: Methinks she likes
the color gold.
Jade: Well, she does have a goddess complex.
She presented a dazzling figure to the Mainframers and Guardians.
"You look like a queen, Jo Ann," Wild Card said.
Jade: (Jo Ann) No, I look like a goddess. Now, worship me!
"She sure does!" Bob agreed. The others at the party nodded their agreement.
Jade: (Jo Ann) Not a
queen! A goddess! WORSHIP ME!
Chaos: Don't yell!
"Thanks, guys," she blushed. "Well, let's get this party going!" She snapped her fingers. From out of the air, there came the song, "Everybody Rejoice", from "The Wiz", complete with lyrics.
"I thought that it would be appropriate, given the occasion," Jo Ann smiled at her Mainframe friends. Turbo and the others laughed, agreeing that the the song was indeed appropriate.
Jade: (Mainframers) We
agree with everything you say!
Chaos: (Mainframers) We're just worthless flesh puppets, after all.
The party lasted long into the night. Enzo has fun retelling the epic battle of the User versus Daemon. Jo Ann got to dance with --and even kiss-- Bob, Matrix, Ray, Wild Card, and Turbo. She reminded Bob, Matrix, Ray and Wild Card that they were already taken, so only one dance and kiss from each was enough. Dot, AndrAIa, and Mouse looked at Jo Ann gratefully, but Amazon only smiled.
Jade: (Amazon) I'm
pleased that she's taking an interest in my love interest.
Chaos: (Jo Ann) I'm pleased that Turbo is taking an interest in me!
"I am you in this Mainframe. You have as much right to Wild Card as I do," she said.
Jade: (coldly) No, she doesn't.
"Thank you," Jo Ann smiled back.
Chaos: (Jo Ann) But, quite frankly, I like Turbo better. He has power!
* * *
The next second, Jo Ann prepared to return home. All she had to do was write herself home in the story.
Chaos: Simplicity in
Jade: Stupidity in itself.
All the Guardians and the Mainframers were there to say good-bye.
"Here's the icon back, Turbo. Thanks for letting me use it for my dress last night." Jo Ann held out the gold and black disc.
Chaos: (Jo Ann) Of course, if you want to give me a present, I'd really like a Guardian icon.
"Ya'll keep it, Hon," Turbo pushed her hand back. He smiled at her. "You've earned it."
Jade: (coldly) No, she
Chaos: (cheerfully) She defeated Daemon!
Jade: You do not 'earn' something by using a deus ex machina!
"He's right," Bob said. "Without you, Daemon would still have control of the Guardians."
Chaos: And that would be
Jade: She wants to take over the Net, which is my job.
Chaos: You can't take over the Net now that you're not in it.
Jade: Shut. Up.
"Yeah!" Matrix added. "You guarded the Guardians!" Everyone laughed, happy that all was right again.
Chaos: But all wasn't right again. Matrix was making stupid jokes.
"Will you ever be back?" Tiffiny asked.
"Of course I will! All I have to do is write myself into the story, and I'll be here. I'll visit as often as I can," Jo Ann hugged the little one binome.
Jade: (Jo Ann) Isn't that
Chaos: (Random Binome) Uh... no.
Jade: (Jo Ann) Be silent, mortal!
"Promise?" Enzo asked. The little, green sprite looked into her eyes.
"Guardian's honor, Enzo!" she smiled. "I'd better get going. Good-bye, everyone. And thanks."
"You are always welcome in Mainframe, Jo Ann," Dot replied.
Jade: No! You FOOL!
Chaos: That's as good as saying 'There will be a sequel.'
"Thanks, Dot. Well, here goes." Jo Ann waved to the Mainframers and Guardians as she faded away.
Jade: (Bob) Good riddance.
* * *
Jo Ann woke up, still at her computer. Across a black screen, blue lettering scrolled by, proclaiming:
Mega Man X is Maverick Hunter Robot #1
"Oh, my screen saver!" Jo Ann moved the mouse. The slight movement was all it took to get Creative Writer back. On the screen, the story was finished. It was too late at night to print the story out, but Jo Ann checked the spelling one final time, then saved the story.
Chaos: Intense! Writing!
Jade: Intense! Boredom!
"I'll print tomorrow. Then I have to take the story off the computer to make room for another story. Too bad it was only a dream. I would have really liked to have traveled to Mainframe and meet Bob and the others."
Chaos: No, you wouldn't
have. They get cranky over the smallest things.
Jade: Like when you try to reformat Mike's personality chip to make him evil.
Chaos: Will you ever drop that?!
Jade: When the Web freezes over.
Jo Ann looked down at an object in her hand. It was a disk, half gold and half black. Each half had a triangle: A gold triangle on the black half, and a black triangle on the gold half.
The icon of the Guardians in ReBoot!
Jade: That looks
suspiciously like a plot point to me.
Chaos: Nah, Jo Ann's got it. It looks like a guardian icon.
"Could it be...?" she asked in wonder. "Did I really...?" She held the icon, then brought it to her lips, kissing it. Then, she clutched it to her heart.
Chaos: (Jo Ann) Turbo
gave me his icon! He really does love me!
Jade: Does the name Wild Card ring a bell?
Chaos: (dismissively) That's Amazon's love interest.
"I'd better not tell anyone, though. They might just lock me up!" Jo Ann carried the icon with her to her room, vowing to wear it every time she visited Mainframe. She had a tremendous idea for further visits.
Jade: Sequel alert! Sequel alert! Danger, Chaos Byte Cursor, danger!
"What if I merged with Amazon every time I visited. She would have more powers while I'm there.
Jade: Please, for the
love of the User, don't.
Chaos: Jo Ann is the User. Remember?
Jade: Life is crappy.
But I'd better warn them first!" With that, she went to bed, dreaming of another trip to Mainframe.
And you know there were other trips!
Jade and Chaos: Sequel alert! Sequel alert!
Finally! That was much too long.
Jade: She's written longer fics, and it's not done yet.
Afterword: Okay, so I made myself the heroine and saved everybody from Daemon. It's how I dreamed it. And isn't it every fanfic writer's fantasy to help their favorite characters?
Rebecca's fantasy is to-
Jade: (interrupting) Would it be rated NC-17 if it was written down?
Jade: Then drop it.
At least, I didn't make myself all-powerful, like most fanfic writers would. (I DID get weak after using my "User Magic" to free the Guardians and destroy Daemon.) This is my first self-insertion fic. The second, "Return to Mainframe", which tells how I became a Guardian, is rewritten as "User Guardian One", up on several sites, including Julia Cat's ReBoot Corner.
Chaos: So, now I know a story to avoid. Thank you and good night!
* * *
Chaos started to read her book, while Jade dealt with the DVD. She looked up just as he headed towards the door. "Jade, what does happen in "Megabyte Returns?"
"Uh..." Jade looked towards the door and started backing away slowly. "Well, you see, she kinda... kills Megabyte. Well, actually, Dot does the killing. But she has Totems!..."