Totems-MiSTed!
MiSTed by:
Ryuu (karma_aster@yahoo.com) and Drem-chan (dremdancer@hotmail.com)Disclaimer, notes, and other niftyness: I don’t own any of the original ReBoot characters. Those are all property of Mainframe Ent. "Totems" is originally by Jo Ann Montgomery and has been MiSTed with her permission. This is in no way intended to be insulting or anything other than innocent fun. Thanks go to Jo Ann for once again being such a great sport! The original MiSTing concept is based on Mystery Science Theater 3000, which was created by Best Brains Inc. Does that cover everyone? Fabulous! Let’s get on with it then, shall we?
***
Ryuu: Hi there, folks, and welcome to my first-ever MiSTing! I’d like to introduce my good friend, Drem-chan, who will be helping me with this project. Introduce yourself, Drem-chan!
Drem-chan: Hi! Ne, ne, who’s helping who with this endeavor?
Ryuu: (wailing) But you said you’d HELP!
Drem-chan: (winces) Okay, okay…stop with the Usagi-noises already!
Ryuu: (promptly becomes bright and sunny) Okay! Today we have fic written by a friend of mine on the ReBoot LiST!
Drem-chan: What? I can’t hear you…did you say something?
Ryuu: (biffs her on the back of the head) Very funny…you’re just bitter that I’m forcing you to MiST a Jo Ann Montgomery fic against your will!
Drem-chan: You do realize that I’m getting you back for this, don’t you?
Ryuu: (patronizingly) You just try it, hon. Okay, on with the horror!
Drem-chan: (waves) Have fun! (starts to dash out of the room)
Ryuu: (grabs back of her collar) Nice try.
Drem-chan: (growls) I hate you.
Ryuu: (smiles) I know.
TOTEMS
Drem-chan: So, what is this, anyway?
Ryuu: Oh this is another User Guardian One story. Jo meets the ‘natives’.
Drem-chan: ‘Natives’? Oh my…sure I can’t run?
Ryuu: (brightly) Nope!
Drem-chan: …
By: Joe Ann Montgomery
Ryuu: Think she’s gonna have any goddess-like powers in this?
Drem-chan: (considers the matter) Jo Ann? Goddess-like powers? Naaaaww…I’m just worried about breast feeding…
Ryuu: (screams) ‘Crystal Matrix’ flashback! (buries head in hands) NO! I don’t want to know what else Bob can use his powers for!
" Totems "
Drem-chan: ‘Totems’. Please don’t say that this has anything to do with Native Americans or the like…
Ryuu: (laughs evilly)
Drem-chan: …You do realize that this means ‘Faerie Queen’, don’t you?
Ryuu: (shudders) Bad Sailor Moon fic…nooooo…
The Net Natives are Indians or, --as the politically correct would say-- Native Americans. My cousin, Charlotte Fitzgerald, helped me come up with a good number of the Indian names. This is a work of fan-fiction, and not meant to offend anyone.
Drem-chan: (hopefully) So if I’m offended I can leave, right?
Ryuu: You’d think that, wouldn’t you? (smiles sweetly)
Drem-chan: (disappointed) Oh. So if I’m disappointed I can kill myself?
Ryuu: AFTER the MiST.
Drem-chan: (whining) But then I’ll already have been to hell!
Ryuu: Cheer up. We’ll go read some Bob Squad comics when this is over, okay?
Drem-chan: (snuffles) Okay…Let’s get this over with.
On with the story!
"A tepee?" Jo Ann asked, as she watched Matrix, Bob, Wild Card, and Turbo put up the huge, cone-shaped tent.
Drem-chan: Is that like a ‘teepee’?
Ryuu: (laughs)
"It is for my old friend, Wise Modem, my child," Phong answered. The wise, old sprite stood beside the User Guardian.
"The Plains Indians of North America used to live in tepees. In fact, the tribes *still* put them up for their annual Pow Wow."
"Pow Wow?" Dot asked. She turned and stared at Jo Ann, puzzled.
Ryuu: (Dot) What, the poisoned dental floss didn’t get rid of you? Spam!
"Big meeting. Nowadays, it's more of a celebration of their heritage."
"Ahhh…," Dot smiled.
Drem-chan: (Dot, whispering to Bob) It’ll be okay…run while I distract her!
Ryuu: (Bob) Right. I’ll get help…just try to hold on, Dot!
The tepee was white, multi-colored starbursts decorating it all around. The starbursts were all connected by a line of red.
*Representing the Net,* Jo Ann thought, smiling. Painted on one side of the tepee
Drem-chan: ‘Teepee’.
Ryuu: Don’t worry about the spelling. I’m sure it’ll get worse…(ominous music)
was a stick figure with lines radiating from his head. Painted on the other side was a black, box-like device. *Wise. Modem. Wise Modem. I get it!*
Ryuu: Yup! I get it too! It’s a cheesy joke, see?
Drem-chan: You expected anything less? This is Jo Ann here!
The park on Baudway, just outside of Dot's Diner, was being transformed into a camp for the visiting Net Natives. Jo Ann remembered what Turbo had told them about the Net Natives the night before.
Drem-chan: "Net Natives"? Oh dear…(begins to cry)
Ryuu: (also crying) Oh, Jo Ann…how could you? Haven’t the Native Americans suffered enough? Must they be dragged into bad ReBoot fanfic as well?
"Many, many hours ago," Turbo had begun, "a tribe of sprites an' binomes, travelin' through the Net, found a wild an' untamed system. They named it New Hope an' settled there. In time, New Hope System became like Mainframe; a large city. But some sectors were set aside ta perserve the old ways."
Drem-chan: Don’t you just love it when they spell the accents out for us?
Ryuu: Huh? (reads that last sentence over) What did Turbo say? I can't tell.
Drem-chan: Well…it’s probably better that you couldn’t…
"When the Guardians found them, the Net Natives made an agreement with them. The Net Natives would send two warriors --one male an' one female-- ta train ta become Guardians for New Hope System. In return, the Guardians would let the Net Natives live as they wished, how they wished. We have kept the pact ever since."
Ryuu: Unlike the real world…
"In fact," Turbo had grinned and turned to Jo Ann. "It was *Athena* who had made the agreement."
Drem-chan: Indeed, the Net Natives were so upset by this agreement that they cursed the poor innocent bystanders of Mainframe with the arrival of a certain omnipotent being who would ‘save’ the citizens while gelding all the men and brainwashing everyone else. And now…the curse has come to be.
Ryuu: (laughing) Oh…that’s cold…
Drem-chan: I speak only the truth.
Jo Ann had felt very proud to hear this. Athena was the First Guardian, she who had started the Guardian Collective. It was from Athena that Jo Ann Montgomery --a User—
Ryuu: (sarcastically) Wow…did you know that Jo Ann is a User? I never would have guessed!
Drem-chan: But I thought the Users were the bad people who send the games that delete things…
Ryuu: Yes, I vaguely recall that from a series named ‘ReBoot’…
had inherited the uniform, icon, and keytool of a Guardian. Later, upon absorbing the energies of a dying Amazon --a being from Jo Ann's own imagination—
Drem-chan: You know, when most people start seeing Amazons that come from their heads it’s considered a bad sign.
Ryuu: You dare to question the mighty Jo Ann? Infidel!
Drem-chan: (meeps) I’ll be good!
the white uniform changed to red. The heroic sacrafice also trapped Jo Ann in the computer world forever.
Ryuu: And all the Mainframers wept…
Drem-chan: What’s a ‘sacrafice’?
Ryuu: I don’t know…but if Jo Ann does it, it must be a good thing!
Drem-chan: (gives Ryuu a dark glare) You know, kissing up won’t get you out of this any faster.
"One must never forget one's own heritage, whatever that heritage may be," Jo Ann had replied.
"And what is *your* heritage, Jo Ann?" Bob had asked.
"Let's see...English, Irish, Scottish, Scandanavian, and maybe --just *maybe*-- a little Cherokee Indian. But that only depends if any of Belle Starr's children by Sam Starr lived to have kids of their own."
Drem-chan: You know, I think I read a cheesy romance novel with a Belle and Sam Starr once. It was scary.
Ryuu: (impressed) Really? Scarier than this?
Drem-chan: I’m…not sure. Which is worse? Reading about Jo Ann or reading a Harlequin romance novel?
"Scandanavian?" AndrAIa had asked.
Ryuu: Wait, Scan ‘Dana’ vian? Is that where Dana Scully comes from?
Drem-chan: Hey, do you really want to drag poor Scully into this?
Ryuu: (horrified) No! Not Scully! I could never do that to her!
"Norseman...the Vikings."
"Ohhh..."
"That's a *lot* of heritage, sugah," Mouse had smiled.
"Yeah. If our family had someone from Wales, I would have the entire United Kingdom covered."
Turbo and the Mainframers had laughed with their User Guardian. Although she did not know *everything*, Jo Ann was a wealth of User knowledge.
Ryuu: Drem-chan? Did that have anything to do with the story?
Drem-chan: (considers) I don’t think so, no.
Ryuu: Okay. Just checking.
The Mainframers finished with the preparations quickly, and were waiting for Wise Modem and the two Net Native Guardians to arrive. Normally, *no* Guardian would leave their system unless they really needed to. But *all* the Net Natives were well trained to play in the games, so their Guardians *could* take off for a few seconds, if they were needed elsewhere.
Drem-chan: Which reminds me, aren’t there a lot of systems that don’t have Guardians of their own? Why does Mainframe suddenly have four?
Ryuu: Mainframe is special.
Drem-chan: Oh. I just thought it was because Jo Ann wanted to jump Bob’s bones or something.
Ryuu: No…never that! That’s why Wild Card’s there, remember? The Bob-clone.
Drem-chan: Ah. Then can I-
Ryuu: I get Bob first! (goes into a Bob-induced trance)
Drem-chan: Spammit. Hey, snap out of it! (elbows Ryuu)
The Mainframers wore their best *outdoors* clothes, and *everyone* wore something of Net native design. The men wore decorated headbands, while the women wore headbands and silver and turquoise hair beads. Little Enzo had not really wanted to wear a headband instead of his baseball cap.
Ryuu: (Enzo) But Dot! I don’t want to insult the natives!
Drem-chan: (Dot) Now Enzo, remember that wearing fake leather and these bright pink feather caps that we found left over from last year’s Thanksgiving pageant is a compliment! No one gets offended in a Jo Ann fic!
"Awww...Dot! Do I *haffta*?" Enzo had whined.
Ryuu: I so empathize with Enzo here…
"Enzo!" Dot had scolded.
"It's to show respect for Wise Modem and the Net Natives," Bob had added. "You don't want to offend Phong's friend, do you?"
Drem-chan: I think he’s offended enough just by being here.
"Awww...but it looks so...dorky!"
Ryuu: Still agreeing with Enzo…really, really agreeing with Enzo…
Drem-chan: You know how sad it is that you are agreeing with Enzo on this?
Ryuu: See the depths this fic has brought us to?
Jo Ann had saved the moment when she spoke up.
Drem-chan: You mean, she sometimes doesn’t save the moment?
Ryuu: (awed) Wow, Jo Ann’s diversifying…
"But Enzo, only the Native American warriors wore *decorated* headbands. The rest of the tribe wore plain ones. Every time a brave--that's what the warriors were called-- did something heroic, he got a feather to put in his headband. Some had *long* headdresses, with from thirteen to even *twenty* feathers!"
Drem-chan: I love how specific she is.
Ryuu: If Enzo’s not a Net Native warrior though…shouldn’t he not wear the headband?
Drem-chan: Only in reality, my dear. We left that behind long ago…
"Alphanumeric!" Enzo had said slowly, in wide-eyed awe. With one more look at the headband, Enzo had whipped off his cap, and replaced it with the cloth circlet.
Ryuu: My god! She brainwashed him! Poor, poor Enzo…he was so young…so innocent! (weeps)
Drem-chan: (soberly) What a way to go. He deserved better.
"But what about my icon?" Enzo had held the black and white disk in his right hand.
Ryuu: (Megabyte) Oh, let me take that off your hands…
Drem-chan: But Jo Ann’s going to take it…that would make her- (looks sick)
Ryuu: (horrified) NOOOOOOOOOO! Not Meggy!
"Like this, Enzo," Jo Ann had taken the icon and placed it on the front of his headband. "Sometimes the braves wore medallions on their headbands, as a place to put the feathers when they got them. They usually wore the medallions on the back of on the side. *We* can wear ours on the front."
Drem-chan: Because we’re special.
Ryuu: (Jo Ann) Well…I am anyway.
Drem-chan: (gives Ryuu a frightened look) Don’t do that! It’s scary!
Ryuu: What, this? (Jo Ann) Worship me, mortals!
Drem-chan: Kyah! Stop that!
Jo Ann wore a red beaded headband with a red medallion dipicting a white Thunderbird. The medallion rested on her forehead. A matching Thunderburd necklace, with three red medallions, hung around her neck.
Ryuu: (laughing) Did she find that at a garage sale or something?
Drem-chan: Well, given that she’s not wearing anything else…
Ryuu: (giggles) I mean…ewww!
Enzo had grinned.
Drem-chan: Once. Long, long ago. Before the horror that was User Guardian One had come into his life.
Ryuu: (Matrix) It…it almost makes me miss…Zaytan! (weeps on AndrAIa’s shoulder)
Drem-chan: (AndrAIa) There, there…remember the good times, Sparky…it’ll be all right again. Some day…
After hearing that warriors wore the headbands, he did not feel at all "dorky" when he wore his. He had ran to a mirror to look at himself and admire his "warrior's headband".
Ryuu: I’m sorry…that’s too easy…(snickering)
"Thank you," Dot had said. She had been relieved that a long, time-consuming argument had been avoided.
"No prob," Jo Ann had smiled back. "All it takes is knowing just what makes kids tick. For Enzo, that means exciting and heroic adventure." She had looked meaningfully at Matrix, who had blushed a little.
Drem-chan: Exciting and heroic adventure? Well, Wild Card thought he could handle it and look what happened to him…
Ryuu: (Matrix) Why is she looking at me meaningfully? Isn’t Wild Card enough?
Drem-chan: (Jo Ann) Well, I’ve already got him under…control. It’s time to look for a new challenge.
Ryuu: Cue ominous music…
"Look!" Little Enzo cried, pointing to the silver sphere that appeared near the tepee.
Drem-chan: ‘Teepee’.
Ryuu: Look, just give that a rest, will you?
Drem-chan: (shakes head) Someone has to defend them from Jo Ann.
Ryuu: Oh it’s too late for that, sweetie…much, much too late…
From out of the portal, there came three sprites --two Net Native Guardians and an elderly Net Native man. The Guardians wore tan Guardian uniforms with silver shoulder and knee pads. Their boots, with fringed cuffs, were brown, instead of black. Their belts were brown with silver conchos and turquoise beads sewn into them. The headbands they wore matched the belts.
Ryuu: Yes…must…have…unimportant…details!
The man was purple, and had a tomahawk and knife at his belt. The woman was red, and had a knife at her belt and a keytool on her left wristband. Both had black hair and dark, brown eyes.
Drem-chan: The man wasn’t important enough to have his own keytool.
Ryuu: In a Jo Ann fic? I’m surprised Bob is allowed one!
The old man was the one that commanded the most attention. His skin was metalic copper and his hair was silver. His eyes were so dark, they seemed like onyxes. His face was lined with age, but he looked as strong as a young man. He had a striped blanket wrapped around him, over his clothes, and tan mossicans on his feet. A plain, leather headband tied his hair back. He carried a long, feathered coup stick cradled in his arms.
Ryuu: Yup. We’ve covered all the major stereotypes, I think.
Drem-chan: Oh no, we haven’t gotten to the horses yet.
Ryuu: (snickering) Just wait…
"Greetings, Wise Modem," Dot said. "I am Dot Matrix, COMMAND.COM of Mainframe.
Ryuu: (Dot) It makes me feel important when I scream my job description…
Wise Modem gave her a curt nod, which, for his people, was a polite greeting.
Drem-chan: He then raised his right hand and smacked Jo Ann to the ground, which was something the Mainframers had paid him to do.
Ryuu: Jo Ann, of course, assumed that this also was a polite greeting…
"This is Straight Arrow and She-Hawk," Wise Modem said, indicating the two Guardians. Both folded their arms and gave curt nods.
Ryuu: I’d think their necks would hurt from all the curt nodding…wouldn’t you?
Drem-chan: Indubitably.
"I, too, greet you, old friend," Phong said, rolling up to Wise Modem. It has been many passings of the seasons since I last spoke with you, Wise Counselor."
Now, Wise Modem turned to Bob. The young Guardian's eyes sparkled with old excitement as he remembered the first time he had ever met Wise Modem.
Ryuu: (Bob) Oh…my first crush! Do you think he remembers me?
Drem-chan: (Wise Modem) Young Bob, how could I forget? You were so pretty. And so hot!
Ryuu: Yeah okay! That’s enough!
Drem-chan: (petulantly) But he is…
Ryuu: (hands over the drool bucket) Don’t I know it!
"*This* young one had yet to earn his tribal name when I saw him last. Now, he has grown into a strong and powerful warrior. Brave and
shining, like the moon. You are now, Moon Warrior."
Ryuu: So does Bob get his very own sailor-fuku and talking cat now?
Drem-chan: Not a talking cat, I think. Glitch, and in the dub he can have a corny British accent.
Ryuu: (singing) He is the one named Sailor Bob!
Drem-chan: (smacks Ryuu upside the head) Now that’s not even funny.
Ryuu: (rubs head) Ow…
Bob felt himself swell with pride, his eyes gleaming.
Drem-chan: (Bob) He does remember! I wonder if I still have a chance!
Ryuu: I’m not touching that one…
Wise Modem turned to Wild Card. The golden-haired bounty hunter was Bob's twin brother. At one time, the two were identical, except for the hair. But the Web War, and Bob's trip to the Web, changed that. Wild Card was Jo Ann's boyfriend.
Drem-chan: Unfortunately, now Bob was starting to get jealous of the attention that Wise Modem was lavishing on his clone and decided to…rectify…the situation.
Ryuu: (Bob) Steal my man, will you?
Drem-chan: The sad thing is that Bob wasn’t sure if he was talking about Wise Modem or Wild Card…
"There has been much said of *you*, Gold One. You have also grown strong and brave. You, I name, 'Sun Warrior'."
Ryuu: Such creative naming too…
Drem-chan: Yeah. Gee thanks, Charlotte.
Many more tribal names were given. Dot became "Wise Chieftess". Matrix was named "Eagle Eye", while Little Enzo was called "Lighting Talk". AndrAIa became "Sea Warrior" and Frisket earned the name, "War Dog". Ray Tracer and Mouse became "Magic Guide" and "Clever Warrior". Cesil took great pride in his name: "Food Giver". Half in jest, Mike, the T.V. became "Bad T.V.". Hexidecimal was named "Magic Woman". Hack was named "Red Warrior", while Slash became "Blue Warrior". Al was named "No Hear". "WHAT?!?"
Ryuu: So is Jo Ann ‘Writer of Mary Sues’?
Drem-chan: No. That would take too long to say. Then again, she is the most powerful, most lovable, most special User Guardian out there, so she would get the long-winded name.
Ryuu: (nods sagely) Yes, for this is the way of things, oh, Nauseated Dreamer.
Drem-chan: (curt nod) Of course, Offended Dragon.
Now, Wise Modem turned to Turbo. The Prime Guardian gave the Net Native Shaman his full attention.
Ryuu: Uh…are shamans and chiefs the same thing?
Drem-chan: (shrugs) Only in a Jo Ann fic.
Ryuu: (curt nod) This is true.
"Honest Cheif, for seasons beyond counting, the Rainbow Warriors
Ryuu: Oh no! When did the Power Rangers get into this? AHHHH!
Drem-chan: Oi! Not even the Power Rangers deserve to be degraded like this!
have kept the treaty with the Net Natvies. When the Golden She-Brave made the treaty with us, Old Oak --he that was shaman at that
time-- predicted that a User would be Golden She-Brave's heir. That which was foretold has now come to pass."
Drem-chan: (Wise Modem) And now you will suffer for your crimes! Feel the wrath of a self-insert!
Ryuu: (She-Hawk) MUWHAHAHAHA!
Drem-chan: (snaps out of Wise Modem mode) Of course, Straight Arrow doesn’t get any lines. He’s a man.
Ryuu: (blinks) You sounded like Ms. Barch right then…. (shudders) That was scary…
Drem-chan: (smugly) Serves you right for the Jo Ann impression earlier.
Ryuu: …
Turbo proudly put his hand on Jo Ann's shoulder as
Drem-chan: he carefully reached for a weapon with the other. Now was his chance!
Wise Modem gazed at the User Guardian and continued speaking.
Ryuu: (Jo Ann) Will he ever stop talking? Sheesh! You’d think this fic was about someone other than me!
"A special gift was then bestowed on the future heir of Golden She-Brave: The ability to summon the Totem Animals.
Drem-chan: So. They are mentioned at last. Better then ‘Megabyte Returns’, I guess.
Ryuu: Well to be fair, Meggy did return…eventually…
The ceremony will be held tonight, for I must prepare myself. The User, too, must be prepared for the ceremony. Go with She-Hawk, User. She will see to your prepreations for your part of the ceremony."
The red woman stepped forward and led Jo Ann toward a tepee
Drem-chan: (opens mouth) Tee-
Ryuu: It’s getting old. Knock it off.
Drem-chan: (whines) But it’s so hard!
Ryuu: Yeah, cry me a river…
Drem-chan: Oh, I’m gonna get you for this…
Ryuu: (sweatdrops)
set up for her. She-Hawk's tepee was smaller then Wise Modem's, but was decorated in the same way. Straight Arrow also had his own tepee.
Drem-chan: I was good. I let not just one, but two of them slide. But if I see another, so help me god…
Ryuu: (sighs) Oh, all right…
"Later, guys," Jo Ann said, following She-Hawk into the small tent.
* * *
Drem-chan: You know, if we added some ~~~’s…
Ryuu: Eww! That’s sick!
Drem-chan: But we have to make references to the best of us!
Ryuu: (solemnly) Yes…all shall worship the mighty Hanako and fear her wrath!
Drem-chan: And Claire too!
Ryuu: Sure! (puzzled) Wait…Claire has wrath?
Drem-chan: (sighs)
The faces of the Mainframers glowed in the light of the campfire. Dot and the Mainframe Fire Department had given the Net Natives special permission to build the fire in the park because it was needed for the ceremony.
Ryuu: You know…there was an X-Files episode like this once…a bunch of cannibals built a bonfire and tried to eat Scully…
Drem-chan: Ooo! Is Hannibal still in town? He could eat Jo Ann for us!
Ryuu: What do you have against poor Hannibal Lecter?
Drem-chan: Nothing. I rather like the fellow. It’s just that he is the only one that I can think of that could handle the system shock.
They sat and watched as She-Hawk and Jo Ann emerged from the tepee.
Ryuu: Uh…Drem-chan? That’s your line…
Drem-chan: (waves a hand) Go ahead, you take one.
Ryuu: Thank you. That’s very kind. (clears throat) Ahem! Teepee.
Drem-chan: Very nice.
Ryuu: You’re right, that is fun! Although, one has to wonder why she keeps misspelling it…
Drem-chan: Who knows? Maybe she thinks that is the right spelling.
Ryuu: Hmmm…
She-Hawk took her place beside the door of Wise Modem's tepee
Drem-chan: Teepee.
Ryuu: Okay, that’s it! We’re going to clear this up once and for all! (summons her pile of reference books)
Drem-chan: (stares at books) How…how did you do that?
Ryuu: (shrugs) I’m an English major. We have our own mysterious powers. (flips through the books) Well, what do you know? It turns out that there is an alternate spelling of teepee as ‘tepee’. There’s also ‘tipi’, and-
Drem-chan: (cuts her off) She spelled it right…fine, that’s all we needed to know. No need for the ensuing lecture.
Ryuu: (grumbling) Fine…be like that…(sends the books away)
, while Jo Ann stood off to the side, waiting for the ceremony ro begin. Jo Ann woare the same outfit she wore before --her uniform, the
headband, and her Indian jewelry—
Drem-chan: Oh, she put her clothes back on did she?
Ryuu: (Dr. Freud) Und vhen did you first notice this obsessive interest vith the User Guardian’s clothing?
Drem-chan: (Valley girl) But they’re, like, so totally last cycle! As if!
but her face was painted: A wolf's paw print, an eagle's head and wings, two claw prints of some big cat, and a horse's hoof print. The paint made Jo Ann look quite bizzare.
Ryuu: Look! She found Matrix’s finger paints!
Drem-chan: Really? I just thought it was an amazingly bad make up job.
A rustling of the tepee's door-flap drew everyone's attention to Wise Modem as he exited the tent. He, too, was dressed as before, but had the same markings on his face that Jo Ann had on hers.
Drem-chan: (Bob, cattily) Of course, Wise Modem looks a thousand times better. That colour is so wrong for her.
He began the ceremony. "You shall recieve five totems to begin with; there will be more, in time. But you will start with five.
Ryuu: (Wise Modem) You have to prove to us that you can handle walking them and cleaning up after them every day before you can have any more.
Drem-chan: (Jo Ann) Can I keep them, Dot? Huh? Can I?
Ryuu: Weird…Jo Ann sounds just like little Enzo.
Drem-chan: Didn’t you know? Jo Ann is little Enzo.
Ryuu: Huh? I don’t follow.
Drem-chan: Well, why else would he glomp Bob so much?
Ryuu: Oh, who wouldn’t? Just look at that gorgeous blue hunk of a man! (drools)
"I have summoned them to us. The first to arrive will be your personal totem, the leader of the totem animals, and the sourse of your tribe name. The wolf represents your cunning and determination; the cheetah, for swiftness; the tiger, your strength; the eagle, for keen eyesight and oneness with the flying hunters; and the winged unicorn, for the magic in your heart, mind, and body."
Drem-chan: Also to represent a certain minority group.
Ryuu: (Big Gay Al) I’m super! Thanks for asking!
They waited for several milliseconds, anxious to see which animal would become Jo Ann's personal totem.
Suddenly, they heard it, and the sound chilled their blood. "AHAYOOOOH!"
Ryuu: Oh. Jo Ann’s singing again…
The beautiful, haunting song echoed throughout the city. "A wolf," Jo Ann breathed. Into the firelight, the wolf came. First, all that could be seen were the glowing, yellow eyes.
Ryuu: Spike? Is that you?
Drem-chan: Have you come to save us?
Ryuu: Wait, isn’t Spike a bad guy?
Drem-chan: Dear, at this point, I’d take anyone.
Then, the entire animal came into veiw.
Drem-chan: Guess who I am! AAAAAANNNNIIIMMAAAAALLL!
Ryuu: (laughing) Woman! Woman!
Drem-chan: Wufei? Where?
The Mainframers gasped. It was, indeed, a wolf. But its coat was a gleaming metalic silver, as chrome as Bob's armor.
**Moonsong,** Jo Ann heard in her head.
Drem-chan: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…
Ryuu: This is not the super computer?
Drem-chan: No, though that’s good too. But what I was saying was "Voices in your head are never a good thing."
Ryuu: This is true.
"His name is Moonsong," She said, as if in a trance.
Ryuu: (indignantly) Hey! She just ripped off Anne McCaffery!
"And he is your personal totem. You are now, Moon Wolf," Wise Modem said. Presently, another sound was heard. This time, it was the cry of a big cat.
Drem-chan: Crying as it was bodily wrenched into this fic.
**Lightning,** the voice in her mind said, this time.
"Lightning," Jo Ann repeated.
Ryuu: (F’lar) His name is Mnementh!
Now, a golden cheetah, with spots that glittered like onyx stones, appeared.
Ryuu: (mournfully) Oh, Cheetor…how did you get your sweet, little self trapped in this fic?
The names were coming faster now. As Jo Ann intoned a name, an animal appeared.
"Wildfang." This was a tiger, metalic copper in color, with stripes of obsidion.
"Goldtalon." Now, a golden eagle flew down, alighting on Jo Ann's right wristband.
Drem-chan: I’m reminded eerily of a James Bond flick.
Ryuu: (singing) ‘Mr. Goldfinger…’
"Starbolt." A silver unicorn, its shining coat covered in gold glitter, flapped huge, golden wings. A crystal horn sparkled on its forehead.
Ryuu: (Starbolt, lispy) But, really guys…am I too accessorized?
Drem-chan: (falls over laughing)
"Guardians with keytools may speak with the totems, but only *two* will be able to speak with them with their minds alone: You, Moon Wolf, and Moon Warrior.
Drem-chan: Because Jo Ann still has to maintain a special bond between herself and Bob.
Ryuu: Poor Dot…having to compete with a Mary Sue…it’s just not fair!
But know this: They are *not* pets, nor are they servents or slaves. The totem animals are your friends.
Ryuu: (Wise Modem) At least until the sedatives wear off.
They will obey you because they *wish* to, not because they are *forced* to.
Drem-chan: (Moonsong) You mean, we don’t have to be here? I’m gone!
Ryuu: (Lighting) I’m with you! Beast Machines is way better than this!
Drem-chan: (Jo Ann) Not so fast. Did you forget? I own your SOULS!
Ryuu: (shuddering) Now that was scary…
As long as you remember this, the totems will not forsake you. But *forget* this advice, Moon Wolf, and they will turn against you."
Drem-chan: Of course he has to remind Jo Ann of this fact.
"I understand," Jo Ann said.
"Where will they stay?" Dot asked.
Ryuu: (Dot) If they leave…will they take me with them? Please?
"They will find their own places, and will bother no one that does not bother them first. Only Moonsong, because he is Moon Wolf's personal totem, will constantly be with her. The others will be elsewhere, until summoned."
Drem-chan: (Moonsong) Why do I have to stay with her! Why can’t it be one of the others? I’m sure one of them would be willing to take my place…Right guys?
Ryuu: (Starbolt) That’s what you think, girlfriend! Just talk to the hoof!
With a wave of his coup stick, Wise Modem signaled the end of the ceremony and the beginning of the
Ryuu: Massacre of the User Guardian and her minions?
Drem-chan: But which ones are her minions? Most of our favorites have been infected by Jo Ann! It’s not their fault!
Ryuu: (solemnly) It’s better this way. They shouldn’t be forced to live like this.
feast. Jo Ann --Moon Wolf-- joined her friends and sat beside Wild Card --Sun Warrior. Goldtalon flew off her wrist to land on the limb of a nearby tree.
Ryuu: He feasted on her hand, which he had severed from her wrist with his razor-sharp talons.
Drem-chan: Oh that’s just cruel.
Ryuu: Yes, I suppose that would constitute cruelty to animals, wouldn’t it? Poor Goldtalon doesn’t deserve that.
Lightning and Wildfang sat near the fire, while Starbolt stood between them.
Ryuu: Starbolt begged the two to join his drag show.
Drem-chan: You do realize that Starbolt is in the middle, right? Some sort of weird triangle going on there that we really didn’t need to know about…
Ryuu: (loftily) I felt that not pointing that out would be classier, however.
Drem-chan: Me? Be classy? (laughs)
Moonsong followed Jo Ann and sat down beside her, on the side opposite of Wild Card. Wise Modem sat down in front of his tepee, while
Straight Arrow and She-Hawk remained standing, as if on guard.
Drem-chan: Where are Bob and the others? I haven’t seen any sign of the original ReBoot characters since the ceremony ended.
Ryuu: Ooo! Maybe they escaped!
Drem-chan: (outraged) And they didn’t take us with them!
"You have been greatly honored, my child," Phong said, smiling proadly at User Guardian One.
Ryuu: (weeping) Phong is so brave…staying behind again to distract the enemy while the others escape!
Drem-chan (also weeping) So brave! So…so brave! (glomps Phong plushie)
Ryuu: (pats Drem-chan on the back) There, there…go Phong! You rock! Er…where did you get a Phong plushie anyway?
Drem-chan: I’m not telling! You can’t have it!
Ryuu: …
"I know," Jo Ann smiled back. She ran her hand repeatedly through Moonsong's fur. Although his coat was as metal-looking as Bob's armor, it was as soft as any dog's fur.
Ryuu: So…does Moonsong smell like a wet dog?
Drem-chan: Oh, no. That was just Wild Card…forgot his deodorant again.
Ryuu: (wrinkles nose) Ewww…
Jo Ann gazed into the campfire, mulling over the importance of this gift from the Net Natives.
"And it's only the begining," she said. "Only the begining."
Drem-chan: And for that reason, we all are very, very frightened.
THE
END
Ryuu: YAY! It’s over! It’s over, Drem-chan!
Drem-chan: (grimly) Look down, dear.
(OR BEGINING)
Ryuu: Jo Ann…no…NOOOOOOO!
Drem-chan: Nice Dot-scream.
Ryuu: I try. (pause) Well, I think that’s it…we survived.
Drem-chan: True. But the question is, was it worth it?
Ryuu: I…have no idea…uh, let’s just end this, okay?
Drem-chan: (cheerfully) Okay! Ja ne, minna-chan!
Ryuu: Until next time, folks!