* * *
A pale gray young man with gray hair that gleamed faintly silver sat on the couch in a room. It was a rather nice-looking room, with a comfy couch, a large TV, a DVD collection that rivaled most countries', several recliners, and books scattered about the room.
The young man (who was named Decimal, incidentally) looked about, muttering to himself. "Where are they?"
As soon as he said that, of course, Chaos flung herself across the room and into his lap. "Deci! I haven't seen you in weeks!" The dark blue young woman flung her arms around him and proceeded to try to choke the life- er, hug him.
Decimal smiled weakly. "Um, yeah."
Chaos let go of him and glowered. "Where is that brother of mine?"
That brother of hers chose to make his entrance then. "Chaos, that Rebecca person has another fic for us to MST! Oh, hey, Decimal."
Decimal blinked. "Yeah?"
Jade nodded, his spiky red-black hair hanging over his eyes. "Yeah."
Decimal gave a tug on the gray braid hanging over his left ear. "Dude."
Chaos looked back and forth between them, incomprehendingly. Realizing that they weren't going to tell her anything, she began to growl.
Jade smiled weakly and popped the DVD into the player. "Let's roll."
* * *
Warning: Bob and Dot fans be warned, stop reading right away. This is the story you do not want to read.
Chaos: Ooh! Someone else who believes that Bob and Megabyte
should get it on!
Jade: (shifts uneasily) Um...
Decimal: (muttering) I like Bob and Dot together....
While there is no implied or explicit sexual content or references to drug use and only mild violence shown, some Reboot fans will offended.
Decimal: (outraged) Only mild violence?
Chaos: (outraged) No implied or explicit sexual content?
Jade: (outraged) She had to mention that there was no reference to drug use? Have all our heroes become junkies?
Bob and Dot are not married; instead true love has seen its natural course.
Chaos: So.... Bob and Megabyte get it on?
Decimal: (growls louder)
If you want to read humorous story about Megabyte getting beaten up please read on.
Jade: (blinks very, very slowly)
Chaos: Ooh! S&M!
Decimal: Get your mind out of the gutter.
Jade: (breathes deeply and slowly)
Chaos: I like my mind where it is, thankyouverymuch.
Jade: Someone dies. They shall sing their screams before I am
finished with them.
Decimal and Chaos: (edge away from Jade)
The difference between a tragedy and a comedy is often very small. In this case best to show instead of tell.
Chaos: We get a narrator for this story. Aren't we special?
The problem with holidays is this everybody wants to celebrate them no matter what. As a result any shmucks who have to work on said holiday is often inexperienced and feeling sorry for themselves.
Decimal: Wait, what holiday?
Chaos: This holiday, schmuck.
Because of this less attention is given to detail while on the job. In fact this is what Megabyte was counting on as he planned his escape from the Maximum Security Prison at the Supercomputer.
Decimal: (stares in disbelief) What?
Jade: .... The one place Megabyte has been trying to get to his whole life and they imprison him there.
Chaos: Can we say not too bright?
The hulking chrome skinned virus sat in the now gaily decorated prison cafeteria eating and drinking mainly for show.
Decimal: (fingers his chrome hair doubtfully) I suppose you could
describe Megabyte as being "chrome skinned"....
Jade: You could also describe him as "navy blue".
Chaos: .... The 'I Love Lucy' show?
In the guise of good cheer the guards had gathered the prisoners there for a treat of entertainment, IO shots and food.
Chaos: The guise of good cheer? What, do they have some sinister reason to entertain and feed their prisoners?
The real reason was that happy and drunk prisoners are less likely to riot or to plan escapes.
Chaos: .... I was hoping for a vast, government conspiracy.
As he ate his food, which was much better than the usual swill these idiots served him he sneered at his fellow prisoners.
Jade: Another place where it's illegal to feed roadkill to the
Chaos: Wait, why are they imprisoning Megabyte? Why isn't he deleted or something?
Jade: (glowers at Chaos)
"Look at these fools, stuffing and drinking themselves senseless. Once these people were respected and feared. No one would dare deny them anything. Now they gladly accept whatever pitiful scraps that are thrown at them," sneered Megabyte to himself.
Chaos: (as Megabyte) Kind of like me. 'Cause starving to death
would definately not further any of my plans.
"Now would be the perfect time to escape. What few guards there are inexperienced and distracted. Instead these idiots play right into the guards hands missing a perfect opportunity."
Decimal: Yeah, but.... They get to get drunk!
Jade: And we know you're all for that.
Decimal: Some of us aren't pansies who want to conquer the Net.
Jade: I am not a pansy!
"Hey Duchess," shouted a blue skinned prisoner. " I said pass the rolls."
Chaos: (excitedly) It's Bob! I knew Bob and Megabyte were
getting it on!
Decimal: (quietly, to Jade) Are you sure she's more Megabyte than Hex?
Jade: (equally quiet) Unfortunately.
Megabyte snapped out of it and handed the roll basket to the sprite.
Jade: (growls at Decimal)
Soon he will be free to settle a score with Bob and his wife.
Chaos: .... That wasn't Bob?
Jade: No, that wasn't Bob.
Chaos: (sighs mournfully, then perks up) Who's the wife?
A few micros later the guards guided the prisoners to their small grey cells.
Decimal: Their brains, right?
Jade: Have you seen any proof that they even have brains?
Decimal: I'm assuming they're in jars.
As the force fields flicked on one of the guards looked at him in a strange way.
Chaos: (as guard) I never realized how hot you were before.
Jade: (as Megabyte) .... Where's my lawyer?
"I don't like this Megabyte seems far too quiet tonight," said one younger screw to another.
Decimal: (confused) Screw?
Jade: I don't swing that way, sorry.
"What do you want to do want watch him all by yourself? In two micros the shift will change and we can exit this trashcan. Let the other shift worry about him, all the prisoners stuffed and drunk there's no way they can escape now," the older more experienced guard.
Jade: The older, more experience guard... what, exactly?
Decimal: (still confused) You don't swing what way?
Chaos: (sighing) He was declining your offer to screw.
Decimal: (horrified) Wait, what?! When was this?!
The younger guard simply shook his head.
"No? Well listen to this we've got monitors in the prisoners' cell. Any change, any interruption in their biosigns and a crack team are in the cell faster than you can say breakout."
Chaos: You don't want to know how fast I can say breakout.
Decimal: (stares at Jade in horror) You evil virus!
Jade: (staring) A crack team? I thought she said there were no references to drugs in this fic.
Megabyte smirked to himself in his cell and thought about how sweet it would be to get revenge. It was Bob and his then future wife who had put him there.
Chaos: I always knew Bob wasn't too smart.
Jade: He's a Guardian. What do you expect?
Once he sought to conquer Mainframe but a certain blue skinned guardian stopped him at every turn.
Jade: Let me guess.... Turbo?
The people of Mainframe cast him into the Web in the hopes of destroying him. Instead he returned far more powerful than he ever imagined wrecked havoc with Bob's heart and the system itself.
Chaos: How like a virus.... Seduce the Guardian and then throw
him over for someone smarter. (sighs blissfully)
Decimal: (quietly to Jade) Do you ever get the impression that she would really like it if we did do something?
Jade: (quietly) All the time. All the time.
He chuckled to himself as he thought about the fear and pain he caused. How ironic that Bob's wife was the one to defeat him.
Jade: Yes, how ironic that this mysterious wife should be able
to defeat an unimaginably powerful virus like Megabyte.
(disgustedly) Mary Sue alert.
Chaos: Damn the Mary Sue! Full speed ahead!
"Right lights out!" ordered the guard.
Chaos: (as guard) Left lights on!
Now it was time to strike. Making sure the coast was clear he pulled open a panel underneath his bed.
Decimal: Wait, what happened to the monitors in the cells?
Jade: They don't actually exist. The older, more experienced guard knows that the force fields don't exist, either. It's just glowing light.
It was attached to a maintenance shaft that eventually led to the outside world.
Decimal: (as prison designer) And I'll put this maintenance shaft to the outside world right near the prisoners' cells, with only a thin layer of cerama-crete between them! Looks like I'm on-time and under budget!
He slipped inside and then activated his alias as soon as he left the cell.
Chaos: (slowly) They left him his alias.
Decimal: Dear User.... Do they have mind-eating bugs in the Super Computer or something?
The alias looked and acted exactly like him it even had the same biosigns. It could be seconds before anyone found out.
Decimal: Explain to me again why he hasn't conquered the entire Net with people this dumb if he isn't a pansy?
Meanwhile on the other side of the system Bob was greeting his guests as they entered the apartment door.
He gave a big smile when he saw the next guest, "Ah Mouse so after all these days you've finally returned to the Supercomputer. It's so good to see you."
Chaos: Mouse creeps me out.
Decimal: I like her. She's Southern.
Chaos: (shudders) So's that Rebecca person. And she's the one who gave us this fic.
Bob guided in Mouse, her husband Ray, a quiet pink skinned man and their young son inside. As soon as the little boy got inside he ran off to find someone to play with. Ray cautioned his son to behave himself.
Chaos: He's cautioning the kid's back, I see.
Decimal: (frowns in concentration) I think there are four people coming in the door.
The purple skinned woman's eyes widened at she looked at the apartment, "Bob, this place is great and -big. How did you manage this? What have you been up to?"
Chaos: (as Mouse) As ya can see from mah dialogue, Ah've been ignorin' ya since the end of season four. Tell me what's been happenin'.
The apartment was large and tastefully decorated in honour of the season. Light jazz music played in the background as formally dressed guests chatted, drank fine wine and ate canapés.
Decimal: .... Now that is the kind of party that I would crash while wearing leather pants and not much else.
"Well you know my theories about viruses? They turned out to be correct. I'm now teach at the Guardian Academy and I finally got married," he motioned to someone in the well-dressed crowd.
Jade: The sign language is cute and all, Bob, but you should
really answer Mouse's question.
Chaos: (stares at the crowd) I don't care what the author says, fuschia velvet suits do not qualify as 'well-dressed'.
"Well Bob I'm so happy you and Dot have finally settled your-"
Chaos: But I thought she said-
"Biscuits anyone?" asked Bob's wife. She was a beautiful white skinned woman with raven black hair and definitely not Dot.
Chaos: Oh, User!
Jade: Is that-?
Decimal: Please, no.
Veins appeared on Mouse's forehead she reached for her sword, which wasn't there, "Hexadecimal?!
Decimal: (distressedly quiet) Aunty Hex?
Jade: That's just wrong!
You married Hexadecimal? She's the most evil creature in the Net, why?"
Jade: (as Bob) Well, she told me that she'd make Do- Uh.... It was true love!
Bob's wife excused herself to attend to the other guests. She took Ray with her into the crowd. Bob turned to Mouse, "That evil creature saved the entire Net and her last words were that she always loved me."
Jade: (as Bob) You know, unlike Dot, who I loved so much and
she loved me so much that we just knew we loved each other and
never needed to mention it.
Decimal: (distressingly quiet) Love is for fools.
"But she's random and what about Dot? You loved her."
Jade: (as Mouse) Hello? Remembah that? Remembah her goin' to
ya? Remembah her gettin' all depressed while you were lost in the
Chaos: (as Bob) Yes, but it wasn't true love.
"Well Dot didn't love me or she wouldn't have organized a wedding while I lay in the hospital dying.
Jade: Yes, Bob hold grudges for what Dot did while you lay dying because of your own stupidity!
And Hex has definitely changed. She came back sane and saved us all from Megabyte. She's proved herself."
Decimal: Aunty Hex may save you all from Megabyte, but that doesn't mean she would marry you, Guardian scum.
"That Bat has about as much chance of changing as she is of winning Miss Congeniality in the Supercomputer beauty contest," snarled Mouse.
Chaos: No, Mouse, chaos is ever-changing. That's the whole point.
"Um Mouse she actually became Miss Congeniality in 1/13."
Jade: It iz teh funny!
That last remark shut Mouse up
Chaos: Yes, silence her terrible logic! Silence the heartless, flame-haired wench who will not let Bob just live happily with his "true love"! Silence her!
Down below in the lobby Megabyte scanned the premises. Under normal circumstances there would be fairly tight security,
Jade: Why? It's an apartment building. You just... walk in.
nothing Megabyte couldn't handle but tonight revellers were pouring in and out of the front door. It was perfect.
Jade: Megabyte, my idol, this isn't that hard! Just... walk in there... and, you know, kill them.
All the virus had to do was march right up to the doorman, say he was Hexadecimal's brother and be lead straight into their party.
Chaos: I think that knowing that you were Hexadecimal's brother would cause the doorman to lead himself straight to the 911 Vidwindow. But that's just me.
He would humiliate them before deleting the happy couple and their high society guests. Which from the people entering the lobby were: a code master assassin, several Web riders and half of the Guardian high command.
Jade: Ha! (elbows Decimal) Pansies don't take those sorts on.
Decimal: I'll believe it when I see it.
The virus swore to himself as ducked behind a tree.
Jade: (eyes widen and he whimpers)
Decimal: Ya pansy!
These people were the deadliest warriors in the Net and Web, figures.
Jade: (chanting) I hate Mary Sues. I hate Mary Sues. I hate
Chaos: (also chanting) Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgal'nagl fhtagn.
Decimal: What was that, Chaos Byte Cursor?
Chaos: (cheerful) In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.
Decimal: .... Right.
No, it was better to wait until after the party. Then he could get revenge.
Decimal: Yes, wait till after all the people you want to get
revenge against go away.
Jade: .... No, he wants revenge on Bob and Hex, not the "deadliest warriors in the Net and Web."
He sat down and made himself comfortable. From the looks of it this could take awhile.
Meanwhile seven stories up Hexadecimal decided to show off.
Chaos: She's going to blow Turbo's head off! Awright!
"Come on darlings, take a look at my garden on the balcony," called out Hexadecimal.
Chaos: .... It's a null garden, right?
Jade: Give it up.
Decimal: (quietly) I will have my revenge....
A couple of Web riders, which Bob had to assume, were female because of the cocktail dresses they wore, walked dutifully towards the balcony. When they got there they trilled in genuine delight.
Jade: I suppose Web riders would trill....
Chaos: Why are the poor dears forcing themselves into dresses?
The party went into late into the night, with guests only starting to leave only in the wee hours of the morning. When Megabyte was satisfied all the guests had finally left, he walked straight to the apartment doors.
Jade: Yes! Now, keep walking....
Spam it, the doors were locked and the doorman had gone home.
Jade: .... Slide those nice, sharp claws through the soft
door, rip it off its hinges, seek the ones who destroyed you, and
revenge thyself! Use those... (purrs) sharp, sharp claws....
Chaos: I worry about you sometimes. (pats Jade's arm) Don't worry, I love you anyway!
No matter thanks to his sister's grand tour of her pathetic balcony he knew exactly where they lived. So he started climbing.
Decimal: Pansy. Real men rip the door open.
After what seemed like an eternity the virus had finally reached them. Who would have thought climbing up seven stories was so hard? Gracefully he leapt over the railing and landed right into a cactus patch.
Chaos: Graceful and landing in cacti patches don't go
Jade: (stares in horror)
As he flailed around getting more cactus spines in him, A small black hairy thing chirped and snarled. Finally the thing leapt at him causing Megabyte to fall off the balcony.
Decimal: (laughs himself silly)
Chaos: .... Scuzzy?
"At least I'll land in some nice soft greenery," thought Megabyte just before he fell into a pile of rosebushes.
Decimal: (continues laughing as tears roll down his cheeks)
Jade: (reaches over and starts to hu- choke the life out of Decimal)
Chaos: Black roses, right?
After Megabyte landed.
Chaos: (as author) Something happened, but I'm not going to
tell you about it.
Decimal: (flails, trying to dislodge Jade)
Bob walked out to the balcony. He wore nothing but a pair of boxers with little hearts on them.
Chaos: (totally unimpressed) And?
Jade: (tightens his grip on the gray virus)
His eyes widened when he saw the ruined cacti.
Chaos: Bob, that's the least of your problems. (gets kicked by
a flailing Decimal) Will you two stop that?
Jade and Decimal: (ignore her)
Chaos: (growls, eyes starting to glow) I said.... STOP IT!!!
Jade: (lets go of Decimal, who straightens himself out) I'll be good.
Decimal: I make no promises.
"Whatzat, bad whatever, come inside," said an irritated Bob. "Hex we got a problem. You'll never guess what happened."
Decimal: .... What did happen?
Chaos: Bob wandered around in his boxers and saw the ruined cacti.
Decimal: These are the same cacti that Megabyte "gracefully" landed upon, right?
Jade: We missed a half-naked Bob? Yes!
After Megabyte had plucked out all the spines he started climbing again. This time he would avoid the balcony.
Jade: (in the guise of pride) He's got a learning curve.
This time he climbed straight up to the bedroom window of Bob's young daughter and found it shut
Chaos: Most people do shut their windows at night, Megabyte. And given how safety-conscious Guardians are, the window probably doesn't even open.
He pounded on the window trying to break the glass but it was no good.
Jade: .... Claws? Please?
Decimal: He must have been declawed at the prison.
He tired pushing to window upwards and had managed to open it partway when little Perrigillium awoke.
Jade: (raises an eyebrow) Perrigillium?
Chaos: Poor girl.
Decimal: Who's this chit?
The little girl stepped out of bed and walked towards the window.
Chaos: An amazingly not-smart thing to do. This must be Bob's kid.
Perrigillium appeared to be about three years old. With her silver hair and blue skin, she was the living image of her father, in a white nightgown. She even inherited the golden freckles her father acquired during the time he spent on the Web.
Jade: Why? They were mutations brought on by radiation!
There's no reason it should have affected his genetics.
Chaos: Jade, honey, we use code in the Net, remember? And code would be affected by this sort of thing.
"Who are you?" she asked.
Decimal: He, kid, is a pansy.
Chaos: (shakes her head) You've got a death wish, Deci....
"I'm your Uncle Megabyte," he then added hastily. "I'm little bit late for the party could you open up the window and let me in?"
Chaos: (as Perri) Hell, no. I've heard all about my Uncle Megabyte. You're in jail, you know, for trying to conquer the entire Net. Mom would kill me if I was ever near anyone like you. You could lead me into a life of delinquency or something.
"I'm too little. I'll go get Daddy," then she shut the door on his fingers and ran out the room.
Jade: (sighs despairingly and puts his head in his hands) I
Chaos: Aw, she's so cute!
Decimal: Wait, why didn't she shut the window?
Megabyte sucked in his breath in an effort not to cry out in pain.
Decimal: (shakes Jade and makes him look at that line) The
guy's made of metal. How could having the window shut on his
fingers hurt him if he wasn't a pansy?
Chaos: (tiredly) If he tries to kill you, Deci, I'm not going to stop him.
Little Perri ran right up to her father and tried to shake him awake. Her father blearily opened his eyes.
"Dad, Dad there's a monster in my window. Can I have Glitch?" she asked.
Chaos: See, monsters at the window don't inspire the average
five-year old child to ask for the equivalent of a gun.
Decimal: More like a Swiss Army knife.
Decimal: And Perri is about three, remember?
Chaos: Whatever. The point is- The point is that that child is not normal.
Jade: And it took you this long to figure that out?
Half asleep Bob made not the best decision in the Net, "Sure sweetie, Glitch is on the dresser."
Chaos: And the difference between this and when he's fully awake would be...?
When she got back Megabyte had finally, opened the window and climbed inside. He reared up to full height and let out a roar, just loud enough to frighten a normal little girl.
Chaos: No, you fool! Perri is not normal! Weren't you listening to me?
"I'm the boogie virus and I'm here to take you away," he said as he swished his claws impressively.
Jade: .... I'm going to have to find a new idol after this fic.
Here is natural selection at work. Bob was a Guardian who managed to not only to survive, but also prosper in the dangerous environment of the Web. Hexadecimal had survived for the first half of her life in an environment even more toxic and dangerous than the Web. Both of Perri's parents showed resourcefulness and resilience. It stands to reason that a child produced by these two people would be just as tough.
Chaos: I hate it when the author tries to use science against
Decimal: Of course, if little Perri had been Bob and Dot's daughter, she might have some intelligence as well.
The little girl merely scowled, "Glitch, hammer," she ordered.
Responding to the little girl's thoughts the key tool turned onto a large brightly coloured hammer with a very long handle. Perri then hit Megabyte again and again with the hammer. Every time she did the hammer squeaked.
Chaos: Aww.... How cute!
Finally Megabyte, swatted the hammer aside.
Jade: Yes! Kick-ass!
Chaos: That's so mean of you!
Then the what ever it was latched itself onto Megabyte's arm. It must have been very young, for it had no teeth. Still it was distracting as it viciously gummed the virus.
Chaos: Not Scuzzy. A Scuzzy kitten, maybe?
Finally Megabyte finally pried off the thing and turned his attention to his target. The girl had retrieved Glitch and she stood right in front of him.
Decimal: (under his breath) Come on, ya pansy....
Jade: (under his breath) Come on, Megabyte....
Chaos: (at the top of her lungs) Ia! Shub-Niggurath! Black goat of the woods with a thousand young!
"Glitch, tie him up," she ordered.
Jade: (muttering feverishly) Prove how bad-ass your are,
Decimal: (just muttering) Prove how much of a pansy ya are....
Chaos: (cheerfully) Cthulhu ftagn!
Energy coils shot out and wrapped the virus from head to toe. Struggling Megabyte lost his balance and fell down like a pile of bricks.
Jade: (cries out in despair and clings to the person to his
right, who happens to be Decimal)
Decimal: Get off me!
Perri grabbed his foot and dragged him a tiny child size set of tables and chair.
Jade: (looks up and then buries his face in Decimal's
Decimal: Get off me, ya pansy!
She was far stronger than a normal purebred child observed Megabyte as she plunked him on a chair.
Decimal: (glowers at the top of Jade's head) Pansies, the lot
of you. All Net conquerors are pansies.
Chaos: (looks over at them, grinning madly)
"Mommy and Daddy had a party now it's my turn," said Perri.
Chaos: Cute, cute, cute!
Decimal: (face softens and he idly strokes Jade's hair) Um.... Yeah.
The next morning Bob woke up with a pounding headache worse for wear, as was the apartment. He would have to clean up later on in the second.
Decimal: So, the blue Guardian is just gonna be all unshaven and mussed until later on in the second? How's he going to get any action like that?
As he stumbled into the kitchen for a cup of Java, he noticed how quiet it was, too quiet. Usually Perri would be up watching cartoons. He looked round and what he saw caused him to spit out his Java.
Chaos: (as Bob) Young lady, what are you doing to that virus?
"Hex you better come in here," called out Bob. "Your daughter was playing with the stove again."
Jade: (looks up) Maybe she set herself on fire or something useful....
Upon hearing this Hex shot out of bed and ran into Perri's room. Then she couldn't help but laugh.
Chaos: Because the author forced her to. The invisible strings of the puppet master refused to allow her to behave as was her wont.
"Forget about that, take a look at this," snorted Hex.
Decimal: (freezes in the act of stroking Jade's hair) Aunty Hex...?
There in the little girl's room sat Megabyte trussed up on a child's chair. On either side of him sat Perri, Glitch, Whatzat and several stuffed animals.
Jade: Don't you just love the way Glitch has been reduced to the status of "stuffed animal"?
The little girl poured a steaming cup of tea with her child size teapot.
Chaos: (muttering) I never got to do anything cool like that. No, it was always, "Chaos, don't touch that button!" "Chaos, don't eat that null!" "Chaos, we don't drink the energy that sprites use to function!".
"Oh hi Mommy," said Perrigillium as she stuffed a biscuit in Megabyte's mouth. "The boogie virus and I are having a tea party."
Decimal: Well, that tears it.
Jade: (despairingly) Woe are we. The hero, the one who would save us, has been defeated by the hellspawn of the vile intercourse between the Guardian of Mainframe and the Chaos Virus of Mainframe. Woe, woe, woe.
"I'll go get Turbo," said Bob. He walked back into the living room and shook a sleeping form from behind the couch. "Turbo get up. Megabyte decided to give us a visit."
Chaos: Whoo! Turbo spent the night at Bob's apartment.
Jade: .... Behind the couch.
Decimal: .... While Bob was in the bedroom.
Chaos: Hush, you.
Chaos: (singing) I've got fins to left, fins to the right, and I'm the only girl in town!
* * *
Chaos smiled brightly at Jade and Decimal. "Wasn't that fun?"
Decimal looked at her, his gray face carefully blank. "It was something, all right."
Jade murmured something into Decimal's shoulder. Suddenly, he sat bolt upright, eyes wide. "What was I doing?!"
Chaos smirked. "Cuddling."
Decimal and Jade stared at each other, eyes wide with horror. Chaos began laughing softly.
A/N: Special thanks to Ryuu for pointing me at this story and for some of the lines used in this MSTing.